Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
